Tuesday, 30 August 2011

HOW TO ACT LIKE A TRUE ITALIAN 101: Lesson 1



  The first in a series to assist anyone wanting to become a true Italiano/Italiana – to my many esteemed, revered and knowledgeable colleagues “from the road” I am sure I have missed out on MANY so please feel free to advise me on more which I shall add in lesson 2! ( Next will include fashion and grooming like an Italian)

DRIVING: 

To assume the driving technique of a true Italiano it is imperative to observe the following:

       a)        Dividing lines that separate lanes are only advisory. It is acceptable to line-up the car emblem in the front centre of your bonnet directly with the dashed lines of the road and let other road users coming from the opposite direction have to adjust to your driving method
       b)           It is best when turning right to do so from the furthest left hand lane and at the latest possible moment , indicating is not required.(And vice versa when turning left)  
       c)        If you are at an intersection and attempting to turn across oncoming traffic then regardless of said oncoming traffic, you should just proceed with your turn at your own leisure – even though the oncoming cars have right of way - of course they will see you and realize that you and your busy schedule are FAR more important than observing generally accepted international laws about intersections and rights-of-way.
       d)        A green light does not always mean go                                          
       e)      A red light does not always mean stop
       f)      A yellow/amber light is at your own discretion as to what you would like to do but generally it is simply considered a different shade of green – basically ALL street signs are merely suggestions.

PARKING: 

   Forget the Italian Masters of the Renaissance, parking ones vehicle in this country is THE true art-form. In fact the Renaissance of Parking is happening in all major Italian cities as we speak – basically it’s the “rebirth” of the way the Ancient Romans parked their chariots in Roma and along the Via Apia some 2000 years ago. To makes things easy I have devised a simple flow chart to assist with learning to park like an Italian:

a)    Is your car either           i) a Smart car or
                                    ii) tiny Fiat 500 ? Y=>b), N=>e)
b)   Is the space large enough to park 2 of your cars?  Y=>h), N=> c)
c)    Will it be easier to drive it in forwards (ie 90degrees to the curb) than parallel park? Y=>d) N=>h)
d)   Park car at 90degrees to curb in between other cars regardless of parallel parking restriction
e)    Will your car fit in the empty space? Y=h), N= f)
f)     Is the corner of the nearest intersection free? Y=g), N=h)
g)    Will your parking on the corner of an intersection impede the smooth thoroughfare of all other vehicles and pedestrians? Y/N=>h)
h)   Park your car there anyway as poorly as possible ensuring you touch the bumpers of the car in front and behind you as you do so
 
 NB: In all other situations park wherever and however you like regardless of restrictions and traffic flow. Double parking is acceptable as long as you lock your car and leave it for hours on end being outside of earshot of the person you are blocking so that they must blare their horn for an hour or so before you go and relocate to double-park by the next vehicle along.

QUEUEING UP: 

   This does not translate into Italian at all but I shall attempt to give some kind of formality to their “system”

a)      Is there somebody in front of you? N=>g) Y=>b)
b)     Stand to their left or right but NEVER stand directly behind them
c)      Ignore the person on your left or right – physical contact should be maintained to ensure you hold your place (please refer to notes on “personal-space”)
d)     Was the person to your side there before you? Y/N=>e)
e)      Is the person behind the counter finished serving their current customer? Y/N=>f)
f)       Get the attention of the person behind the counter by pushing your hand/money/(insert any other object you like) in front of either person at your side as of course you are more important than anyone else and should be served at your leisure rather than waiting for the current customer to finish
g)     Get served if the person at the counter has finished i) talking on their mobile ii) feels ready to serve you

FLYING:

        a)      Has the plane landed? Y=>c), N=>b)
        b)   Be loud and unaware of your own volume during flight regardless if it is sleep time. Go to a)
        c)   Did the plane land without (major) incident? Y=>d), N=>e)   
        d)   Clap and do a sign of the cross
        e)   Don’t clap and do a sign of the cross

MOTOR SCOOTERS:

Before commencing any journey on any new motor scooter please ensure that at least two of the following three has occurred:
        a)     You have a big hole in your muffler
        b)    You have removed the exhaust muffler
        c)     Remove indicator stalk and lights

Whilst riding: please ensure you rev your scooter as much as possible as this will assist in alerting others around you to your presence – especially important after 11pm.

   Being the owner of a motor scooter means you now have the right to ignore all road rules as instituted by the Carabinieri/Polizia or any other formal driving institution in the country. You now are allowed at any time and on any road and especially on blind corners to traverse across the center dividing line and expect oncoming traffic to move out of your way. Please also ensure that you congregate in packs and surround cars that are also on the road whilst keeping as close to them as possible – it will be the drivers responsibility to watch out for your errant left and right turns. No need to indicate as your indicator has been removed (see (c) above)
Please wear a helmet however any other protective clothing is completely unnecessary (i.e. jeans/long pants with Kevlar protection or leather jackets also with protective linings). For women it is better to wear as little as possible exposing as much skin as possible as in the event of a fall/accident the likelihood of you landing on anything other than your head of course is insignificant.

 Everyone else on the road can anticipate your every move so please do not attempt to indicate or follow regular road rules from now on.

POLICE FORCE (CARABINIERI/POLIZIA):

   It is imperative once you join one of the three Italian police forces that you spend more time ensuring your trendy facial hair has been trimmed properly and that the appropriate amount of gel/wax/spray has been applied to your hair. Also ensure your suntan is at optimal level before proceeding into the public domain. Non-designer sunglasses are forbidden to be worn whilst working.Prada,Gucci and Armani are the only certified sunglasses you may now wear.
  Please be aware that acts of robbery or theft or any other act that requires your professional attention should be ignored until at least
             a)    You have finished ogling young female tourists (or any other woman for that matter) where you are situated
                     and/or
b)   Your carefully coiffed and manicured hair and 3 day carefully trimmed growth are ready to get up and do some work
              and/or
c)    You have finished general conversation to your colleague of why Roma F.C. lost to Napoli on the weekend

  Otherwise in absolutely NO CASE should you attempt to solve or assist any community issue that arise within your jurisdiction.

OGLING WOMEN:  

  This is an art-form like that of parking and is something that young Italian men inherit from a very young age. It is apparently very difficult to teach those who try to learn at an older age but anyway here it is again in flowchart format.

      a)       Is there a woman/lady/girl walking past you? Y=>b) N=>e)
      b)    Is she your mother, grandmother or sister? Y=>e) N=>c)
      c)    Is she your friend’s mother? Y/N=>d)
      d)    Eye her up and down as conspicuously as possible and under no circumstance should you attempt to hide the fact that you are doing so. That would be considered rude and an insult to the effort that particular lady has made to her grooming and clothing on that day. =>e)
      e)    Continue as you were

PERSONAL SPACE:

   The generally accepted “personal-space” distance amongst strangers which in most Western societies is never taught yet somehow becomes standard practice in public is very important. Please throwaway any pre-conceived ideas that you need to maintain a suitable distance from other people when queuing up or being in public spaces together (i.e. in a busy train, standing in line, waiting to disembark from a train or plane etc.).
  To ensure that the person in front of you continues to move at your required pace it is imperative (whether they can move forward or not) that you maintain some form of bodily contact with that person regardless of whether you know them or not. It is also acceptable to use any bag or other item you are carrying to assist in this pushing action when required. No apologies are required for these actions.

  

   I do not wish to overwhelm the student in the first lesson so that will be enough for Lesson 1 of this 25 part series. In the next series we shall learn why it is important for the 60 plus Italian-male to dress in all white or pastel pink/red pants.

  Ce videamo doppo!

                   

Saturday, 27 August 2011

Zermatt to Lugano

  From Switzerland to Italy and back! In this part of the world you start getting used to switching languages three times per day! I'm not quite sure what language I was speaking with the locals in the end on this gorgeous travel day but I now call it "Frengermtalianglish"! Somehow the locals end up understanding me! It might be the Italian sign-language I was using that helped!

  
 Leaving the mighty Matterhorn behind I headed north to "car-friendly" Tasch where I re-acquainted myself with my vehicle after three days. Had to remind myself to stay on the right hand side of the road at one point! The journey back down the valley and onto the highway is a pretty one but it's not long again before the slow and steady climb begins again. The many switchbacks along the road up to the Simplon Pass lead to the south-eastern gateway into Repubblica Italia! A beautiful mountain road and I had the good fortune of some spectacular weather on the way up to the pass (or maybe I just had my new whizz-bang Nikon set to "make the sun and clouds look sort-of-special"-mode!) 




      Throughout most of the alpine regions of Switzerland (well,thats about 80% of the country anyway!), Austria and France there are amazing tunnels for those that wish to avoid these mountainous roads and save some travel time. Given their geography the Swiss and Austrians have become experts at tunnel building and to drive through some of their tunnels that can be up to almost 18km in length you get an idea of the incredible civil engineering capabilities they have! There is even a new "train"-tunnel (ie you load your car onto a train at one end and drive off it at the other) that is around 57km in length in Switz! But amazing as they are, for me the true way to experience the beauty of this part of the world is to go "up-and-over"!!     



    After descending from the 2005m Simplon pass it takes around 45mins to cross the border into Italy. (I have a feeling the Swiss road-builders might have topped up the bitumen a bit to crack the 2000m mark!) It's a slow yet stunning drive down through a tight ravine before finally arriving above the shores of Italy's biggest lake, Maggiore. Fed by the waters created by snow-melt, the limestone-rich mountains give the lakes in this part of Europe an incredible green colour that at times almost seems unreal.


Isola Bella from Stresa
Isola dei Pescatore
         Borromean Islands
  The big thing to see on Maggiore are the two Borromean Islands just off the pretty,yet exclusive lakeside village of Stresa. The smaller, Isola dei Pescatore being a small fishing village and the larger, Isola Bella being the home of an ornate Italianate mansion built in the 1600's that has played host to the likes of Napoleon and "not tonight"-Josephine as well as ("not tonight Charles"?!) Princess Di. Palazzo Borrommeo is a truly magnificent building with incredibly fine interior details including a large "faux"-grotto created in the lower rooms however it's for its amazing formal gardens that it is most famed. 
Local Italian deli on Isola Pescatore
Isola Bella (mansion side)
Palazzo Borrommeo



Isola Bella giardino (gardens)















   Difficult to drag oneself away from Isola Bella (and especially the limone gelati I had there!) but Switzerland was once again calling and so 2 hours later (or 1.5 if my GPS hadn't failed me at a VERY crucial moment at an autostrada fork! Funny how we come to rely 100% on technology at times rather than gut instinct! Am getting lazy on European roads these days!) I arrived in the Swiss lake-resort of Lugano!
   
Monte San Salvatore and Lugano South
   Now if any city in Switzerland can claim to be the Swiss version of the "French Riviera" then this must surely be it! A deep dark green lake surrounded by endless mountains, boardwalks, funicular rides, ritzy hotels and restaurants, casinos and more Ferrari's, Porsches and Mercedes than a yodelling leder-hosen wearing Swiss mountain farmer could poke his alpine horn at! ("And-your-old-lady-tooooooooo"! There's a story behind that which I shall leave until I touch on French history!!)

Monte Bre and Lugano "centro"

Had to wait almost 10 minutes for a decent pose from this "local"!
    

Monte San Salvatore

Halfway point
  









       So there are two options when it comes to getting an aerial view of Lugano and its lake (not including helicopters that is!) Monte Bre at the northern end of town and San Salvatore at the southern end. Both have funiculars that are over 100 years old and the one at San Salv celebrates 121 years this year. ( I was telling two elderly English ladies in the old carriage on the way up that it's STILL the original cable from 1890 that drags it up to 882m and not to worry as it only breaks once per year so their odds are pretty good! As they turned pale I told them I was only joking and that the original Swiss cable was now in a museum and was far too expensive and reliable so they now use a cheap one from a western province of China they bought on Swiss eBay. How to win friends and influence people!)

No trick photography or filters,thats its colour!
"THAT" cable!





The "autostrada" south to Milano 

    At the top of Monte San Salvatore is an old church, you guessed it - Chiesa San Salvatore. A cute church which I don't think gets much of a congregation early on Sunday mornings but as far as views go I don't know many churches that out-do this one!







    So, a gorgeous part of the world but next time, more on Lake Lugano and the BIG name amongst the three lakes in this "series" - Como!!

  Arrivederci, ce videamo dopo e a la prossima and CIAO!


Wednesday, 24 August 2011

The road to Zermatt and the Matterhorn


  Think of Switzerland and instantly there are dozens of stereotypical images that flood peoples minds: Swiss cheese, Toblerone and Lindt chocolate, St Bernard dogs with barrels under their chins, alpine horns, expensive watches, Swiss army knives, William Tell, Heidi frolicking in the high alpine pastures, cows with bells, cheese fondue and of course the "Fed-Express" himself- the GREAT "King Roger Federer" just to name a few! This picture-postcard country which claims the title as being the most mountainous in the world has one image that is a true icon - the mighty Matterhorn - it is a sight that I believe everyone must see (at least!) once in their lives! (And why is it that Swiss cows wear bells around their necks you ask? So they don't catch the birds when they chase them of course! Well, it could also be something to do with finding them in the winter-fog but I prefer my version to be honest!)



  A country with four official languages (German, French, Italian and Romansch (a Latin based language!) Their own version of German, "Swiss-German" ("Schweizer-Deutsch") has a beautiful melodic sing-song to it just like the Scandinavian languages. Its four official names are Schweiz, Suisse, Svizerra and Svizra and it's country code, CH, seems to confuse many as to what it represents! No, not "CHeese" or "CHocolate" but "Confederation Helvetica" - basically the Confederation of Helvetian states that began its alliance way back in 1291. The legend of William Tell and THAT apple comes from those times!


  After a journey eastwards from Lyon and crossing into the French region of Switzerland one must negotiate their way around Geneva, home of the U.N.'s headquarters in Europe and its famous Jet d'Eau (the large water jet in the lake!). Apart from that I find it is a city that does not require much time in which to dwell as it is further along the northern shores of the lake that this area's jewels begin to appear. The wineries of south-western Switzerland are one of those jewels and are gorgeous even if their wine is not so well recognised on the world's stage.





  Further east of Geneva and past Lausanne, the home of the IOC, the "jazz-mad" town of Montreaux with its opulent lake-side hotels is a popular place for holiday-makers and was a place where Queen and Freddie Mercury recorded many tracks. It even holds an annual Freddie Mercury Memorial Day in honour of the late singer! Just across the lake on the French side is the famous town of Evian - and I think we all know what they do there!











  Switzerland's MOST photographed building is just a further five minutes drive along the water - Chateau de Chillon. A spectacular medieval castle built on the shores of the lake with magnificent fortifications and a gorgeous backdrop with the mountains to the south and east. Much history and many tales of prisoners held in its various prisons for years on end it make it an extremely popular tourist destination.




















  


  As one zig-zags their way further south-east, the mountains slowly rise up around you and eventually one must start climbing to eventually reach the small village of Tasch. It is here that one must take a train to reach the combustion engine-free mountain resort of Zermatt. A gorgeous mountain village that contains beautiful old wooden farmer's homes with slate rooves, it sits already at 1600m, just below the ever watchful gaze of the 4478m Matterhorn. Though it is Switzerland's most famous peak it is not its tallest and is just pipped by a couple hundred meters by the nearby Monte Rosa.







   With around 6000 inhabitants its population swells in both summer and winter months for the myriad of summer outdoor activities that are offered here as well as some spectacular ski runs in winter with its longest almost 22km in length! With cable-cars, gondolas and cog wheel railways there are plenty of ways to get a great view here but for me the best is also its highest - the 45minute journey by Zermatt-Express gondola and then cable-car to Klein Matterhorn ("little Matterhorn"). The final few hundred meters is not for those with a phobia of heights thats for sure as the car itself is suspended a few hundred meters above the valley floor. Reaching almost 3900m the views here encapsulate the Matterhorn (of course), Monte Rosa, Breithorn, Castor, Pollux and in good weather one can even see Europe's highest peak, Mont Blanc off toward the west.

Matterhorn Express Gondola
  Awaiting the visitors are viewing platforms of the alps and glaciers, cafes, a glacier "paradise" carved into the glacier itself and even summer ski fields for those who wish to have a "schuss" down the mountain if they didn't quite get their fix during the long Swiss winter! It's here that many European ski teams do their summer ski training even!

Matterhorn Express gondola
  Many people have lost their lives climbing the peaks in the area and the beautiful cemetery with colourful flowers on all the graves in the valley pays testament to locals and visitors alike who have lost their life trying to scale one of the spectacular peaks that surrounds the village. The Matterhorn itself is not considered by mountaineers to be a very technical climb and each year thousands scale its various routes to claim recognition of scaling this famed peak.

Cable car to Klein Matterhorn 3880m


Ice sculptures in "Glacier Palace"



"Glacier Palace"


   Anyway here's some random pics to whet the appetite for visiting this gorgeous part of the world!



Monte Rosa on left
One of the many glaciers




Looking west towards Mont Blanc



Edelweiss



Typical Swiss flower box display


Alpine horns
Climbers scaling Breithorn peak,4164m



Sunrise sequence over the Matterhorn If you have ever wondered where exactly it is that you have seen the Matterhorn before then go no further than your nearest Toblerone block of chocolate and take a look on the packet and there it is!








  Note this is a pretty rare site to see this famed peak like this - I think the weather Gods were smiling on me the morning I took these pics!!

  So after a few days here (including a cheeky summer-ski up at 3800m!) it's off tomorrow to climb the Simplon Pass and enter Italy. A visit to Stresa on Lago Maggiore and the beautiful Isola Bella before heading back into "Svizerra" at Lake Lugano!

  As they say would around here , adieu!!