The first in a series to assist anyone wanting to become a true Italiano/Italiana – to my many esteemed, revered and knowledgeable colleagues “from the road” I am sure I have missed out on MANY so please feel free to advise me on more which I shall add in lesson 2! ( Next will include fashion and grooming like an Italian)
DRIVING:
To assume the driving technique of a true Italiano it is imperative to observe the following:
a) Dividing lines that separate lanes are only advisory. It is acceptable to line-up the car emblem in the front centre of your bonnet directly with the dashed lines of the road and let other road users coming from the opposite direction have to adjust to your driving method
b) It is best when turning right to do so from the furthest left hand lane and at the latest possible moment , indicating is not required.(And vice versa when turning left)
c) If you are at an intersection and attempting to turn across oncoming traffic then regardless of said oncoming traffic, you should just proceed with your turn at your own leisure – even though the oncoming cars have right of way - of course they will see you and realize that you and your busy schedule are FAR more important than observing generally accepted international laws about intersections and rights-of-way.
d) A green light does not always mean go
e) A red light does not always mean stop
f) A yellow/amber light is at your own discretion as to what you would like to do but generally it is simply considered a different shade of green – basically ALL street signs are merely suggestions.
PARKING:
Forget the Italian Masters of the Renaissance, parking ones vehicle in this country is THE true art-form. In fact the Renaissance of Parking is happening in all major Italian cities as we speak – basically it’s the “rebirth” of the way the Ancient Romans parked their chariots in Roma and along the Via Apia some 2000 years ago. To makes things easy I have devised a simple flow chart to assist with learning to park like an Italian:
a) Is your car either i) a Smart car or
ii) tiny Fiat 500 ? Y=>b), N=>e)
b) Is the space large enough to park 2 of your cars? Y=>h), N=> c)
c) Will it be easier to drive it in forwards (ie 90degrees to the curb) than parallel park? Y=>d) N=>h)
d) Park car at 90degrees to curb in between other cars regardless of parallel parking restriction
e) Will your car fit in the empty space? Y=h), N= f)
f) Is the corner of the nearest intersection free? Y=g), N=h)
g) Will your parking on the corner of an intersection impede the smooth thoroughfare of all other vehicles and pedestrians? Y/N=>h)
h) Park your car there anyway as poorly as possible ensuring you touch the bumpers of the car in front and behind you as you do so
NB: In all other situations park wherever and however you like regardless of restrictions and traffic flow. Double parking is acceptable as long as you lock your car and leave it for hours on end being outside of earshot of the person you are blocking so that they must blare their horn for an hour or so before you go and relocate to double-park by the next vehicle along.
QUEUEING UP:
This does not translate into Italian at all but I shall attempt to give some kind of formality to their “system”
a) Is there somebody in front of you? N=>g) Y=>b)
b) Stand to their left or right but NEVER stand directly behind them
c) Ignore the person on your left or right – physical contact should be maintained to ensure you hold your place (please refer to notes on “personal-space”)
d) Was the person to your side there before you? Y/N=>e)
e) Is the person behind the counter finished serving their current customer? Y/N=>f)
f) Get the attention of the person behind the counter by pushing your hand/money/(insert any other object you like) in front of either person at your side as of course you are more important than anyone else and should be served at your leisure rather than waiting for the current customer to finish
g) Get served if the person at the counter has finished i) talking on their mobile ii) feels ready to serve you
FLYING:
a) Has the plane landed? Y=>c), N=>b)
b) Be loud and unaware of your own volume during flight regardless if it is sleep time. Go to a)
c) Did the plane land without (major) incident? Y=>d), N=>e)
d) Clap and do a sign of the cross
e) Don’t clap and do a sign of the cross
MOTOR SCOOTERS:
Before commencing any journey on any new motor scooter please ensure that at least two of the following three has occurred:
a) You have a big hole in your muffler
b) You have removed the exhaust muffler
c) Remove indicator stalk and lights
Whilst riding: please ensure you rev your scooter as much as possible as this will assist in alerting others around you to your presence – especially important after 11pm.
Being the owner of a motor scooter means you now have the right to ignore all road rules as instituted by the Carabinieri/Polizia or any other formal driving institution in the country. You now are allowed at any time and on any road and especially on blind corners to traverse across the center dividing line and expect oncoming traffic to move out of your way. Please also ensure that you congregate in packs and surround cars that are also on the road whilst keeping as close to them as possible – it will be the drivers responsibility to watch out for your errant left and right turns. No need to indicate as your indicator has been removed (see (c) above)
Please wear a helmet however any other protective clothing is completely unnecessary (i.e. jeans/long pants with Kevlar protection or leather jackets also with protective linings). For women it is better to wear as little as possible exposing as much skin as possible as in the event of a fall/accident the likelihood of you landing on anything other than your head of course is insignificant.
Everyone else on the road can anticipate your every move so please do not attempt to indicate or follow regular road rules from now on.
POLICE FORCE (CARABINIERI/POLIZIA):
It is imperative once you join one of the three Italian police forces that you spend more time ensuring your trendy facial hair has been trimmed properly and that the appropriate amount of gel/wax/spray has been applied to your hair. Also ensure your suntan is at optimal level before proceeding into the public domain. Non-designer sunglasses are forbidden to be worn whilst working.Prada,Gucci and Armani are the only certified sunglasses you may now wear.
Please be aware that acts of robbery or theft or any other act that requires your professional attention should be ignored until at least
a) You have finished ogling young female tourists (or any other woman for that matter) where you are situated
a) You have finished ogling young female tourists (or any other woman for that matter) where you are situated
and/or
b) Your carefully coiffed and manicured hair and 3 day carefully trimmed growth are ready to get up and do some work
b) Your carefully coiffed and manicured hair and 3 day carefully trimmed growth are ready to get up and do some work
and/or
c) You have finished general conversation to your colleague of why Roma F.C. lost to Napoli on the weekend
Otherwise in absolutely NO CASE should you attempt to solve or assist any community issue that arise within your jurisdiction.
OGLING WOMEN:
This is an art-form like that of parking and is something that young Italian men inherit from a very young age. It is apparently very difficult to teach those who try to learn at an older age but anyway here it is again in flowchart format.
a) Is there a woman/lady/girl walking past you? Y=>b) N=>e)
b) Is she your mother, grandmother or sister? Y=>e) N=>c)
c) Is she your friend’s mother? Y/N=>d)
d) Eye her up and down as conspicuously as possible and under no circumstance should you attempt to hide the fact that you are doing so. That would be considered rude and an insult to the effort that particular lady has made to her grooming and clothing on that day. =>e)
e) Continue as you were
PERSONAL SPACE:
The generally accepted “personal-space” distance amongst strangers which in most Western societies is never taught yet somehow becomes standard practice in public is very important. Please throwaway any pre-conceived ideas that you need to maintain a suitable distance from other people when queuing up or being in public spaces together (i.e. in a busy train, standing in line, waiting to disembark from a train or plane etc.).
To ensure that the person in front of you continues to move at your required pace it is imperative (whether they can move forward or not) that you maintain some form of bodily contact with that person regardless of whether you know them or not. It is also acceptable to use any bag or other item you are carrying to assist in this pushing action when required. No apologies are required for these actions.
I do not wish to overwhelm the student in the first lesson so that will be enough for Lesson 1 of this 25 part series. In the next series we shall learn why it is important for the 60 plus Italian-male to dress in all white or pastel pink/red pants.
Ce videamo doppo!
